Funny English Jokes Collection Part 1

3 Nov, 2020
922 read  ·  10 Hearts

These are some of my favorite Jokes, thought of sharing with you.

  • A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart. As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother
    says, “There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisles, and we’ll be checking out.” When they get to the checkout stand, the little girl howls for gum. The mother says, reassuringly, “Missy, we’ll be done in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a bottle and a nice snooze.” In the parking lot, the man stops the woman to compliment her. “I couldn’t help noticing how patient you were with little Missy,” he says. The mother sighs, “Oh, no—my little girl's name is Francine. I’m Missy.”
  • I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet. I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
  • The odd thing about parenting is that by the time you are experienced at your job, you are unemployed.
  • A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day. “Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’snot every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in
    one day.”
  • A little girl asks her mother, “How did the human race appear?” The mother answers, “Well, God made Adam and Eve, and then they had kids. So all mankind was made.” Two days later the little girl asks her father the exact same question. The father answers, “Many years ago, there were monkeys from which the entire human race evolved.” The confused little girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said man developed from monkeys. Why do you have different stories?” The mother answers, “Well, I was referring to my side of the family and your dad was
    talking about his side.”
  • The three wise men visit Joseph and Mary in the stable to see the newborn son. The extremely tall wise man hits his head on the door frame and exclaims, “Jesus Christ!” Joseph looks at Mary and says, “Write that down—that’s much better than Clyde.”
  • Two boys are arguing when the teacher enters the classroom. The teacher says, “What are you two arguing about?” One boy answers, “We found a ten-dollar bill and decided whoever tells the biggest lie gets to keep it.” “You two should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher. “When I was your age, I didn’t even know what a lie was.” The boys looked at each other and handed the ten dollars to the teacher.
  • A kid is late for school one day. “I had to take the bull down to mate with the heifer,” he explains to the teacher. “Well, couldn’t your father have done that?” the teacher asks after class.
    “Sure,” the boy replies. “But the bull would have done a better job.”
Humor/Comdey jokes
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